Thinking method · Stone, Patton & Heen, Difficult Conversations

The three conversations

Untangling the three separate arguments hiding inside one difficult conversation. Any conversation where you have rehearsed your opening line.

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Untangling the three separate arguments hiding inside one difficult conversation.

The steps

1. What happened — notice you each have a different story, and that both make sense from inside.
2. Feelings — name what you actually feel, to yourself first. Unspoken feelings leak into the other two.
3. Identity — ask what this would mean about you if they were right. That is usually why it is hard.
4. Open with their story, not your conclusion.
5. Move from "who is right" to "what do we do now".

When to use it

Any conversation where you have rehearsed your opening line.

What it will not do

Understanding the structure does not make the conversation comfortable. It makes it possible.

Where it comes from: Stone, Patton & Heen, Difficult Conversations. Described in our own words.