Module 8 · Influence & persuasion · Lesson 11 of 11

Handling disagreement at the table

Calm, curious and specific — including what Chris Voss’s methods add.

8 min read · Level: Deeper · Free — no account needed to read

The idea

When a negotiation hits disagreement, stay calm, curious and specific. Name what you hear (“it sounds like the budget is the real constraint”), ask “how” and “what” questions (“how could we make this work?”), and separate the problem from the person.

Chris Voss, a former hostage negotiator, popularised tactical empathy — showing you understand the other side’s feelings even while you disagree — along with labelling emotions and calibrated questions. They can open up stuck conversations.

Why it matters

Disagreement is where most negotiations are won or lost. Calm curiosity keeps both sides searching for a solution.

See it happen

Imran’s landlord wants to raise the rent sharply. Imran wants to stay but can’t afford it.

The first reaction

He argues the increase is unfair and threatens to leave.

With the idea

He says, “It sounds like costs have gone up for you too. How could we make this work for both of us?” They agree a smaller rise and a longer lease.

What changed

Curiosity about the landlord’s problem found an option a fight would not have.

Easy to get wrong

• Splitting the difference too fast, before understanding what either side needs.
• Using empathy techniques mechanically, which people find off-putting.

Different perspectives

Reasonable people disagree here. None of these is presented as the answer.

Tactics that open doors

Labelling emotions and asking open “how” questions help many people get unstuck in tense negotiations.

Built for one-off crises

Hostage-negotiation methods don’t always suit relationships where trust over years matters; used only to win, they become manipulative.

Where this comes from: Chris Voss — Never Split the Difference (2016).

Try it now: Label and ask

1. Think of a stuck disagreement.
2. Write one sentence naming what the other side seems to feel or fear.
3. Write one “how” or “what” question inviting them to solve it with you.

Questions to think about

• How do you usually react when a negotiation gets stuck?
• What might the other side be afraid of in your current disagreement?

Your challenge this week

In your next disagreement, ask one “how could we…” question instead of repeating your demand.