Module 4 · Emotional intelligence · Lesson 5 of 9

Empathy: what it is and isn’t

Understanding a feeling is different from agreeing with it or fixing it.

7 min read · Level: Beginner · Free — no account needed to read

The idea

Empathy is understanding what someone else feels from their point of view. It is different from sympathy (feeling sorry for them), from agreeing with them, and from fixing their problem.

Often the most empathic thing you can do is say what you understand — “that sounds exhausting” — and stay with them a moment before offering anything else. People feel less alone when their feeling is recognised.

Why it matters

Empathy is the base of trust. People open up to those who understand them, and resist those who don’t try.

See it happen

Adnan’s friend is upset because her old dog is sick and the vet is not sure he will recover.

The first reaction

He says, “At least it’s just a dog, not a person,” meaning to help her keep perspective.

With the idea

He says, “He’s been with you for years — that must be so worrying,” and asks how the dog is doing.

What changed

He responded to her feeling instead of judging whether it was the right size.

Easy to get wrong

• Starting sentences with “at least”, which shrinks the other person’s feeling.
• Thinking empathy means you must agree with everything the person thinks or does.

Try it now: Recognise before responding

1. Recall a time someone told you about a problem.
2. Write what they might have been feeling, in their words not yours.
3. Write one sentence that recognises that feeling without fixing anything.

Questions to think about

• When did someone understand you in a way that really helped?
• Whose feelings do you find hard to take seriously, and why?

Your challenge this week

Once this week, respond to someone’s problem with a sentence of understanding before any advice.