Great books & ideas · John Gottman & Nan Silver · 1999

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work — the key ideas

Research on lasting close relationships: turning toward each other, repair, and how conflict is handled.

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Research on lasting close relationships: turning toward each other, repair, and how conflict is handled.

The key ideas

Turn toward small bids

Small attempts at connection — a comment, a question, a joke — are “bids”. Couples and families who usually respond to them build a reserve of goodwill.

Repair attempts matter

Every close relationship has conflict. What predicts trouble is less the fighting than whether people can de-escalate and repair afterwards.

The criticism

• Popular claims that the research can “predict divorce” with near certainty have been criticised as overstated.
• Most of the research studied couples; applying it to friendships and families is reasonable but not directly tested.

A real-world example

The situation

Nabil’s mother mentions an old song on the radio while he is on his phone.

The idea applied

He looks up and asks what it reminds her of. A two-minute conversation follows — small, but the kind of moment close relationships are made of.

Practise it

Notice three small bids for your attention from people close to you this week, and turn toward them.

Described in our own words with the source named — not a summary of the full book and not a substitute for reading it.