Module 7 · Conflict, boundaries & difficult situations · Lesson 2 of 11

Misunderstandings, and clearing them up

Most conflict starts as a misunderstanding. Check before you conclude.

6 min read · Level: Beginner · Free — no account needed to read

The idea

Most conflict between people who care about each other starts as a misunderstanding: a message read the wrong way, an assumption about motives, a detail one person thought was obvious. Once each side feels wronged, the misunderstanding hardens into a fight.

Resolving misunderstandings starts with checking: “When you said X, I took it as Y — is that what you meant?” It lets the other person correct the record without losing face.

Why it matters

Clearing up misunderstandings early prevents many conflicts from ever becoming real ones.

See it happen

Mahin’s friend sees him post photos from a party she wasn’t invited to. She stops replying to his messages.

The first reaction

Mahin thinks she is being dramatic about one party.

With the idea

He asks directly. She thought he had excluded her on purpose; in fact the host had a strict limit. Once said, it is resolved in minutes.

What changed

Checking the assumption dissolved what looked like a rift.

Easy to get wrong

• Assuming the worst about someone’s motives.
• Waiting for the other person to explain first.

Try it now: Check the story

1. Recall a recent moment when someone upset you.
2. Write what they did, and separately the story you told yourself about why.
3. Write the question you could ask to check that story.

Questions to think about

• What misunderstanding in your life has lasted longer than it should have?
• What assumptions do you tend to make about why people do things?

Your challenge this week

Clear up one small misunderstanding this week by asking what someone meant.