Module 13 · Setbacks & resilience · Lesson 5 of 6

Asking for support

Resilience is not doing it all alone. It is knowing who and how to ask.

7 min read · Free — no account needed to read

The idea

Resilience is often imagined as toughing things out alone. In practice, people who cope well with hard times usually lean on others: family, friends, colleagues, communities, mentors, professionals. Asking for support is a resilience skill, not the absence of one.

Support comes in different kinds. Emotional support is someone listening and caring. Practical support is help with tasks — childcare, a lift, a meal. Informational support is advice or knowledge. Different people are good at different kinds; it helps to know who to ask for what.

Asking is easier when it is specific: “Could you come with me to the appointment on Thursday?” is easier to say yes to than “I’m struggling”. And many people are glad to help; they often simply do not know what would be useful.

Why it matters

People who get support during difficult periods tend to recover faster and make better decisions. Not asking often comes from not wanting to be a burden — but the cost of struggling alone usually falls on others eventually anyway.

See it happen

Since her mother became ill, Fatima has been managing appointments, work and her own children alone. She is exhausted but does not want to trouble anyone.

The first read

Everyone is busy with their own lives, and she feels she should be able to cope with her own family’s needs.

With this idea

She writes three specific requests: her brother takes one appointment a week, a neighbour picks up the children on Tuesdays, a friend listens on the phone on Sunday evenings. All three say yes, and one says they had wanted to help but did not know how.

What changed

She made specific requests to people suited to each kind of support.

Easy to get wrong

• Waiting until you are at breaking point to ask. Earlier requests are smaller and easier.
• Asking the same person for every kind of support. Spread it across people who are good at different things.

What this rests on

Well studied. Researchers have studied this a good deal. The core idea holds up, though details vary between people and settings.

Try it: Who for what

1. Write three kinds of support: someone to listen, practical help, advice.
2. Beside each, write one or two people who could offer it.
3. Write one specific request you could make this week.

Reflect

• What makes asking for help hard for you?
• Who in your life would be glad to help if they knew what you needed?

Use it in the coming days

Make one specific request for support this week. If you are struggling to cope or feel unsafe, contact local emergency services or find a free, confidential support line at findahelpline.com.

Where to do it: My Journal

Writing down who can help with what makes asking easier when it is needed.