Module 3 · Knowing yourself · Lesson 1 of 6

Seeing your own patterns

What frustrates you again and again, and what you keep avoiding, are both information.

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The idea

A pattern is something that keeps happening in slightly different forms: you start projects with enthusiasm and drift at the halfway point; you say yes to requests and then resent them; you avoid a certain kind of conversation until it becomes a crisis. Patterns are easier to see from outside, which is why friends often notice ours before we do.

Two kinds of pattern are especially revealing. What repeatedly frustrates you often points to something you value that keeps being crossed. What you keep avoiding often points to something that matters and feels difficult — the avoidance is a sign of weight, not of indifference.

Seeing a pattern is not the same as judging it. The aim is to notice it clearly enough that you have a choice the next time it starts.

Why it matters

Unseen patterns repeat themselves regardless of new plans. People set the same goal every January and meet the same obstacle every March. Naming the pattern is often the step that finally changes the outcome.

See it happen

Ade has changed jobs four times in six years. Each time, he leaves after a disagreement with a manager.

The first read

He has been unlucky with managers — each one was difficult in a different way, so the moves seem like a series of separate bad experiences.

With this idea

Writing down the four exits side by side, he sees the same thing: he goes quiet when he disagrees, then leaves when it builds up. In his next job he practises raising small disagreements early. Two years later he is still there.

What changed

He saw one pattern where he had seen four separate events, and changed the part he controlled.

Easy to get wrong

• Turning a pattern into a label — “I’m just a quitter”. A pattern describes what has happened, not who you must be.
• Looking only for negative patterns. What you repeatedly do well, and when, is just as useful to know.

What this rests on

Practical wisdom. A widely used way of working. Useful to try — not a scientific law.

Try it: Side by side

1. Think of something that has gone a similar way at least three times — a project, a relationship, a job, a habit.
2. Write each occasion in one line, side by side.
3. Circle what is the same across all of them. That is the pattern worth watching.

Reflect

• What do you keep saying you want but repeatedly avoid?
• What repeatedly frustrates you — and what value might it be pointing to?

Use it in the coming days

Keep a note in your journal this week of any moment that feels familiar in an uncomfortable way. At the end of the week, read them together.

Where to do it: My Journal

Patterns only become visible across several entries — the journal keeps them side by side.