Module 12 · Resilience, purpose & growth · Practical technique

What you can and can’t control

Sorting a problem into change, influence and accept — and putting your energy where it counts.

6 min read · Level: Beginner · Free — no account needed to read

The idea

In a hard situation there is usually a mix of things you can change, things you can influence, and things you can’t touch. The economy, other people’s choices, the weather and the past are largely outside your hands. Your effort, your response, your preparation and who you ask for help are largely inside them.

Stress tends to grow when attention stays fixed on what you can’t control — replaying what someone said, imagining every bad outcome. It feels like doing something, but nothing changes except how tired you become. This idea is ancient: Stoic philosophers taught it, and many modern therapies use it.

A simple practice: sort the worries into three columns — can change, can influence, can’t control. Acknowledge the last column, then pick one small action from the first two. Doing that one thing tends to restore a sense of footing.

Why it works

Putting energy where it can make a difference is one of the most practical skills for getting through hard times.

A real example

The situation

Luis hears that his company may cut staff next quarter. He spends every evening reading rumours online and can’t sleep.

What happened

He writes the columns. The company’s decision is outside his control. Within his control: update his CV, reconnect with two former colleagues, and put a little money aside. He does one each week and sleeps better.

The takeaway

He moved his attention from what he couldn’t change to what he could.

Use this when you are…

• you feel helpless about a situation
• worry is focused on things you can’t change
• you don’t know where to start

Common mistakes

• Spending energy on what you can’t influence.
• Confusing accepting what you can’t control with not caring.
• Missing the middle column — things you can influence but not fully control.

What the evidence says

Practical technique: A widely used, low-risk practice drawn from established approaches, but not tested much on its own. Its value is mostly that it is simple and harmless to try.

Distinguishing controllable from uncontrollable parts of a problem is part of problem-solving therapy and acceptance-based approaches, both supported by research. The three-column exercise itself is a practical tool.

Where this comes from: Problem-solving therapy research; Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) research; WHO “Doing What Matters in Times of Stress”.

Fields that study this: Clinical psychology.

Try it now: Three columns

1. Write a situation that is worrying you.
2. Sort its parts into: can change, can influence, can’t control.
3. Choose one action from the first two columns and do it this week.

Practise with a guided technique

• Six-step problem solving — (10–15 min · Moderate evidence)
• Mindful attention to the breath — (5–10 min · Moderate evidence)

Questions to think about

• What are you spending energy on that you can’t control?
• What is one thing you can influence right now?

Try this today

Sort one worry into the three columns and take one action.

Afterwards, ask yourself

How did focusing on what you could control change how you felt?

Words in this lesson

• Problem solving (structured) — Working through a problem in steps: define it, list options, weigh them, choose one, plan, then review.