Module 7 · Relationships & social wellbeing · Practical technique

Giving feedback and hearing criticism

Saying hard things usefully, and hearing them without collapsing or hitting back.

7 min read · Level: Practising · Free — no account needed to read

The idea

Giving useful feedback means being specific and focused on behaviour, not character. One common structure describes the situation, the behaviour and its impact: “In yesterday’s meeting, when you interrupted Sara twice, she stopped contributing.” That is much easier to hear and act on than “you’re rude”.

Receiving criticism is often harder. The first reaction is usually defensive — explaining, arguing or collapsing into self-criticism. A better first move is to listen fully and ask questions to understand, even if you disagree. You can thank the person and take time before deciding what, if anything, to change.

Not all criticism is accurate or fair. You can separate the useful part from the rest. Asking “is there anything true in this I can use?” lets you learn from criticism without accepting all of it.

Why it works

Feedback is one of the fastest ways to learn and improve relationships — when given well and received openly.

A real example

The situation

Tunde’s manager says his reports are “hard to follow”. Tunde feels stung and starts explaining why they are fine.

What happened

He stops, and asks: “Can you show me an example of where it gets confusing?” His manager points to a section with no summary. Tunde adds summaries to each report, and the next ones are praised.

The takeaway

Asking one question turned a sting into something he could use.

Use this when you are…

• you need to tell someone something they may not want to hear
• you have received criticism and feel defensive
• you want feedback to improve

Common mistakes

• Giving feedback about someone’s character instead of their behaviour.
• Defending yourself before you have understood the criticism.
• Accepting all criticism as true, or rejecting all of it.

What the evidence says

Practical technique: A widely used, low-risk practice drawn from established approaches, but not tested much on its own. Its value is mostly that it is simple and harmless to try.

Research on workplace feedback supports specific, behaviour-focused feedback, and studies suggest people learn more when they seek feedback actively. The particular structures are practical tools rather than tested treatments.

Where this comes from: Communication and relationships research.

Fields that study this: Behavioural science, Sociology.

Try it now: Situation, behaviour, impact

1. Think of feedback you want to give someone.
2. Write it as: the situation, the specific behaviour, and its impact.
3. Add one thing they could do differently.

Practise with a guided technique

• STOP: a one-minute pause — (1 min · Practical evidence)
• Listen fully — (10 min · Practical evidence)

Questions to think about

• How do you usually react to criticism, and does it help you?
• What feedback have you received that ended up helping you most?

Try this today

The next time you hear criticism, ask one question to understand it before responding.

Afterwards, ask yourself

What did you learn from feedback when you received it openly?

Words in this lesson

• Active listening — Listening to understand rather than to reply: full attention, reflecting back what you heard, and asking open questions before sharing your view.