Module 7 · Relationships & social wellbeing · Moderate evidence

Assertiveness

Saying what you need clearly and respectfully — between going quiet and going on the attack.

7 min read · Level: Practising · Free — no account needed to read

The idea

Assertiveness is saying what you think, feel or need clearly and respectfully. It sits between two other styles: passive (going quiet, going along, hoping others will notice) and aggressive (demanding, blaming, overriding others). Many people swing between the two.

A simple structure helps: describe the situation factually, say how it affects you, and make a clear request. “When the meeting ran over, I missed my train. I’d like us to finish on time on Thursdays.” “I” statements (“I feel…”) tend to land better than “you” accusations (“you always…”).

Assertiveness doesn’t guarantee you get what you ask for. It gives your needs a fair hearing — and protects your self-respect whatever the answer.

Why it works

Unspoken needs build into resentment; aggressively spoken ones damage relationships. Assertiveness lets you look after yourself and the relationship at the same time.

A real example

The situation

Mehmet’s colleague keeps asking him to cover her shifts. He always says yes, then feels resentful.

What happened

He tries: “I’ve covered three of your shifts this month and I’m falling behind on my own time off. I can’t cover this one, but I could swap with you next week.” She is surprised but agrees. Their working relationship improves.

The takeaway

Saying it clearly ended the resentment without starting a fight.

Use this when you are…

• you keep saying yes when you want to say no
• something bothers you and you haven’t said so
• you tend to explode after staying quiet too long

Common mistakes

• Hinting and hoping the other person will guess.
• Waiting until you are furious to speak up.
• Apologising for having a need at all.

What the evidence says

Moderate evidence: Several studies support it, but the effects are smaller, the studies are fewer or less rigorous, or results vary between groups.

Assertiveness training has been studied for decades and shows benefits for self-esteem and stress in many studies. Its effects depend on setting and culture, since what counts as appropriately direct varies.

Where this comes from: Communication and relationships research; Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) research.

Fields that study this: Clinical psychology, Sociology.

Try it now: Situation, effect, request

1. Think of something you’ve wanted to say to someone.
2. Write the situation in one factual sentence.
3. Add how it affects you, and a clear, specific request.

Practise with a guided technique

• An assertive request — (5 min · Practical evidence)

Questions to think about

• Where do you tend to be passive, and where aggressive?
• What do you fear would happen if you said what you need?

Try this today

Make one small, clear request today that you would usually leave unsaid.

Afterwards, ask yourself

How did the other person respond, and how did it feel to say it?

Words in this lesson

• Assertiveness — Saying what you think, feel or need clearly and respectfully — between going quiet and going on the attack.