Thinking books · Conflict & negotiation · Marshall Rosenberg, 1999
Nonviolent Communication — the big ideas
A four-part structure for saying difficult things in a way that can be heard.
Free — no account needed to read
The big ideas
Observation, feeling, need, request. The hard part is the first: almost every attempt smuggles an evaluation into what is presented as a description.
It distinguishes feelings from interpretations disguised as feelings — "I feel ignored" is a claim about someone else, not a feeling.
A real request is specific, doable and refusable. If a no is unacceptable, it was a demand, and everyone can tell.
Applied as a script it sounds artificial and lands worse than plain speech. The observation discipline is the transferable part.
Practise it — no need to have read it
Write a complaint you have about someone. Then rewrite the first line as a camera would record it, with every evaluation removed.
A hint: Words like "always", "never" and "deliberately" are the evaluations hiding in it.
Where it shows up in real life
- Giving difficult feedback
- Conflict at home
- Asking for something you have avoided asking for
Described in our own words with the source named — never quoted, and not a substitute for reading the book.
Thinking methods from this book
- Observation, feeling, need, request — Saying a difficult thing in a way that can be heard.
The thinking it builds
- Questioning — Ask better questions
- Argumentation — Build and evaluate arguments