Thinking books · Conflict & negotiation · Stone, Patton & Heen, 1999
Difficult Conversations — the big ideas
Why hard conversations are hard, and how to have them anyway.
Free — no account needed to read
The big ideas
Every difficult conversation is three at once: what happened, the feelings involved, and what it means about who each of you is. The third is usually why it is hard and is never said aloud.
The "what happened" conversation is a contest of two stories, and both make sense from the inside. Moving from who is right to how each of you got there is the whole unlock.
Intent and impact are different, and each side judges themselves by intent and the other by impact.
Feelings left unspoken do not stay out of the conversation; they distort the other two.
Practise it — no need to have read it
Take a conversation you are avoiding. Write all three: what happened (both versions), what you feel, and what their being right would mean about you.
A hint: The third answer is usually the reason you have been avoiding it.
Where it shows up in real life
- Feedback you need to give
- A conversation you have rehearsed
- Long-standing tension
Described in our own words with the source named — never quoted, and not a substitute for reading the book.
Thinking methods from this book
- The three conversations — Untangling the three separate arguments hiding inside one difficult conversation.
The thinking it builds
- Reflective Thinking — Examine your own reasoning
- Questioning — Ask better questions