Module 6 · Worry, rumination & thought patterns · Moderate evidence

The rules you live by

Beneath many hard moments sits an unspoken rule — “I must never let anyone down”. Finding it changes a lot.

7 min read · Level: Intermediate · Free — no account needed to read

The idea

Underneath many painful moments sits an unspoken rule: “I must never let anyone down.” “If I’m not the best, I’m a failure.” “I have to keep everyone happy.” “If I ask for help, I’m weak.” In CBT these are called underlying assumptions or rules for living.

These rules usually developed for good reasons — they may have helped you cope in the past. But rigid rules create pressure: every time life breaks them, which it will, you feel anxious, guilty or worthless.

Finding a rule is the first step. Then you can ask where it came from, what it costs you, and what a more flexible version would be: “I prefer not to let people down, and sometimes I will — that’s human.”

Why it works

A single rigid rule can drive years of stress. Loosening it can change how many situations feel at once.

A real example

The situation

Rashid feels crushing guilt whenever he says no to anyone — his boss, his friends, his family — so he says yes to everything and is exhausted.

What happened

He finds the rule: “If I say no, people will think I’m selfish.” He traces it back to a childhood where saying no caused trouble. He tries a flexible version: “Saying no sometimes is how I stay able to help.” He starts turning down one request a week, and nobody thinks he is selfish.

The takeaway

The rule had outlived its purpose. Seeing it let him soften it.

Use this when you are…

• the same kind of situation always upsets you
• you feel intense guilt or pressure that seems out of proportion
• you notice “must”, “should” or “have to” in your thinking

Common mistakes

• Replacing a rigid rule with its opposite (“I’ll never help anyone”).
• Blaming yourself for having the rule. It probably made sense once.
• Expecting a rule to change overnight. It softens with practice.

What the evidence says

Moderate evidence: Several studies support it, but the effects are smaller, the studies are fewer or less rigorous, or results vary between groups.

Working on underlying assumptions is a standard part of CBT, particularly for persistent patterns. It is usually done later in therapy, and some deep-rooted rules benefit from working with a professional.

Where this comes from: Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) research.

Fields that study this: Clinical psychology.

Try it now: Find the rule

1. Pick a situation that always upsets you.
2. Finish the sentence: “I must…” or “If I…, then…”.
3. Write a more flexible version that you could actually believe.

Practise with a guided technique

• Thought record — (10 min · Strong evidence)
• Self-compassion break — (3 min · Moderate evidence)
• Values check — (10 min · Moderate evidence)

Questions to think about

• What rule do you live by that you have never said out loud?
• What would a kinder, more flexible version of it be?

Try this today

Listen today for one “must” or “should” in your thinking, and write it down.

Afterwards, ask yourself

What rule did you find, and how might a flexible version change things?

Words in this lesson

• Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) — A well-researched talking therapy that works on the links between thoughts, feelings, body and behaviour, using practical skills.
• Cognitive restructuring — Examining a painful thought against the evidence and finding a more balanced, accurate way to see the situation. A core CBT skill.