Module 7 · Relationships & social wellbeing · Moderate evidence

Asking for help

Why it is hard, why it is a strength, and how to make the ask easy to say yes to.

6 min read · Level: Beginner · Free — no account needed to read

The idea

Many people wait far too long to ask for help. They worry about being a burden, looking incapable or owing something back. So they carry more than they need to, often while the people around them would gladly help if only they knew.

Research by Francis Flynn and Vanessa Lake found that people consistently underestimate how willing others are to help when asked. Asking works best when it is specific: “Could you call me on Thursday evening?” is easier to say yes to than “I’m struggling”.

Support can come from many places: friends, family, a teacher or manager, a community or faith group, a doctor, a counsellor, a helpline. Different people are good for different things. Asking for help is a skill, not a failure — and you can offer the same to others.

Why it works

Carrying everything alone is exhausting and often unnecessary. A clear ask can change a hard situation quickly.

A real example

The situation

Kwame has been caring for his sick mother alone for months while working. He tells his siblings abroad that everything is fine.

What happened

He sends a clear message: “I need help. Could you each cover one weekend of paid care a month, and call Mum on Sundays?” Both agree at once; they hadn’t known how hard it was.

The takeaway

Silence became a specific request people could say yes to.

Use this when you are…

• you are carrying more than you can manage
• you tell people you’re fine when you aren’t
• you need practical or emotional support

Common mistakes

• Waiting until you are completely overwhelmed.
• Asking vaguely, so people don’t know how to help.
• Assuming people will say no, or think less of you.

What the evidence says

Moderate evidence: Several studies support it, but the effects are smaller, the studies are fewer or less rigorous, or results vary between groups.

Studies show people underestimate others’ willingness to help, and social support is strongly linked with wellbeing. Help-seeking for mental health is also well studied, with stigma a known barrier.

Where this comes from: Social connection and health research; US National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH).

Fields that study this: Clinical psychology, Sociology.

Try it now: Make one specific ask

1. Name one thing you could use help with.
2. Name one person who might help with it.
3. Write a specific request: what, and when.

Practise with a guided technique

• Reach out to one person — (5 min · Moderate evidence)
• An assertive request — (5 min · Practical evidence)

Questions to think about

• What stops you from asking for help?
• When has someone helping you made a real difference?

Try this today

Ask one person for one specific thing today.

Afterwards, ask yourself

How did the person respond, and how did it feel to ask?

Words in this lesson

• Social support — Help and care from other people — listening, practical help, advice or company.