Module 1 · Understanding yourself · Lesson 5 of 8

Where social confidence comes from

Confidence grows from small evidence, and insecurity is common rather than a flaw.

7 min read · Level: Practising · Free — no account needed to read

The idea

Social confidence is not the absence of nerves. Plenty of confident people feel anxious before meeting someone new; they just do it anyway, and the experience of it going roughly fine is what builds their confidence over time.

Insecurity — feeling not good enough, worrying what people think — is extremely common, including in people who look very sure of themselves. Many people you admire are managing the same doubts you have.

Why it matters

Confidence grows from evidence, and evidence comes from small, repeated actions. Waiting to feel confident before acting gets the order backwards.

See it happen

Arif wants to speak to a speaker after a talk but waits by the door, rehearsing what to say, until they leave.

The first reaction

He decides he will do it next time, when he feels more confident.

With the idea

At the next event he gives himself a small, specific task: ask one question about the talk. It goes fine. The time after that is easier.

What changed

He stopped waiting for confidence and started collecting small evidence that he could do it.

Easy to get wrong

• Confusing loudness or dominance with confidence. Calm, grounded people are often the most confident in the room.
• Assuming everyone else feels sure and you are the only one faking it.

Try it now: A confidence ladder

1. Write one social situation you find hard.
2. Break it into four steps, from easiest to hardest (for example: smile at someone; ask a small question; share an opinion; start a conversation).
3. Circle the easiest step you have not tried yet.

Questions to think about

• When has something social gone better than you feared?
• What does an insecure thought usually tell you, and how accurate has it turned out to be?

Your challenge this week

Do the circled step from your ladder once this week.