Module 15 · Social wisdom · Lesson 8 of 8

The ethics of influence

Every people skill can help or harm. A short test for which one you are doing.

7 min read · Level: Deeper · Free — no account needed to read

The idea

Every people skill in this academy can be used to help or to harm. Listening can comfort someone or collect information to use against them. Persuasion can share a good idea or push a bad deal. That makes ethics part of the skill, not an extra.

A short test: Would I be comfortable if they knew exactly what I was doing and why? Am I telling the truth? Are they free to say no? Is this good for them, not only for me? If any answer is no, you have moved from influence toward manipulation.

Why it matters

Social skills make you more powerful with people. Ethics is what makes that power trustworthy.

See it happen

Ayesha realises she can use a colleague’s wish to be liked to get him to take on extra work.

The first reaction

It would be easy, and she is overloaded.

With the idea

She asks herself whether she’d be comfortable if he knew what she was doing. She wouldn’t. Instead she asks him directly, explains why, and makes a no easy. He agrees to help with part of it.

What changed

The ethics test turned a manipulation into an honest request.

Easy to get wrong

• Thinking ethics only matters for big decisions, not everyday influence.
• Assuming good intentions make any method acceptable.

Where this comes from: Martin Buber — I and Thou (1923).

Try it now: The four questions

1. Think of something you want from someone.
2. Answer: would I be comfortable if they knew? Is it true? Can they say no? Is it good for them?
3. Adjust your approach where any answer is no.

Questions to think about

• When have you been tempted to influence someone in a way you wouldn’t want them to know about?
• Who do you know that uses social skill ethically, and how can you tell?

Your challenge this week

Run the four questions before one important request this week.